That State Up North
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A teacher in a 1st grade classroom asked her students a question one day. She asked everyone who was a Buckeye fan to raise their hand. Everyone in the room except one little boy raised his hand. The teacher said "young man, if you're not a Buckeye fan, what are you?" The young man said "I'm a Notre Dame fan!" The teacher then asked why. The young man replied "well, my dad is a ND fan, my mom is a ND fan, so I'm a ND fan!" The teacher then said, "Well, that is not an excuse to be a ND fan! If your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, would that make you a moron?" The young man laughed and said to his teacher, "No, it would make me a Michigan fan!"
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A Nebraska guy, an OHIO guy and a M******n guy are walking on the beach and find a Genie lamp. The Genie says they each get one wish. The Neb. fan wishes his state would have fertile soil for corn to grow, and just like that, Nebraska has more corn than ever. The M******n guy says, "I would like to put a giant wall around my whole state, so no one else can get in, and we can live in peace." Just like that, M******n has a giant wall around it. The Genie says to the Ohio guy what is your wish? He replies, "Tell me more about this wall." The Genie says, "It is 50 ft. high and 10 ft. thick, nothing can get in or out of it." The Ohio guy says, "Fill it up with water!!!"
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Did you hear about the Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car at Polaris Mall? It took him almost 2 hours to get his family out!
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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in M*ch*g*n?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. -
A family of Michigan football supporters head out to do some shopping. The son picks up an OSU jersey and tells his mother he's decided to become a Buckeye fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset, whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the OSU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? I've decided I'm going to be an OSU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged, whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan idiots.
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A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us not to pee on our hands...
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The only thing stopping Michigan cheerleaders from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame.
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Michigan babies are so ugly their incubators are tinted.
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a graduate of the University of Michigan," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then shouted "THIS IS FOR THE NITTANY LIONS!!!!" and hurled himself off the side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES" & walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!
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A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings, and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to "off," shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go blue!"
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A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
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A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Some friends came to visit us in Dublin and commented that it sure was windy in Ohio. We had to explain that it's really not very windy at all in Ohio it's just that Michigan sucks so badly.
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The US Department of Transportation recently took a poll discovering that the majority of people involved in car accidents in 49 of 50 states utter the words: "Oh Crap!" The only state that did not fit this statistic was Michigan in which the majority of people said, "Hold my beer, watch this!"
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." "In that case, Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."
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Maybe you've heard, Lloyd Carr has lost the playbook for the game this weekend... Unfortunately, he wasn't done coloring it yet.
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Q - What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans together?
A - A full set of teeth. -
Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution. The first Prof sits in the chair. "Any last words?" "Yes, I'm from Northwestern and I'm ready to meet my God." But nothing happens when the switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and unusual to attempt a second execution. Next guy gets into the chair and announces he's from Purdue, etc. and again nothing happens and he is released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets into the chair he says, "I'm from U. of Michigan and I'm an Electrical Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires..."
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Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza. -
A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the blonde." The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the nun." The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried to smack him in the face and missed." The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."
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For those who are going to the game Saturday and need directions to Ann Arbor: Go North on I-75 until you smell it then turn west a go until you step in it. You will arrive at the big house (out)
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Bo Schembechler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "It is so great to have you here Coach." St. Peter leads Bo to a nice little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with "M"'s all over. St. Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in Scarlet and Gray and a big Block "O" flag flying on the flag pole. Bo turns to St. Peter and angrily asks: "Why in the heck does Woody get such a big house and I get this little ranch house??" "Oh," says St. Peter, "that is not Woody's house, that is God's house."
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A guy in a bar says to the guy next to him, "Want to hear a great Michigan joke?" The guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6-foot-3 and weight 225 pounds, and I'm a Michigan grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6-2, 225, and he's a Michigan grad. The guy next to him is 6-6, weighs 275, and he's a Michigan graduate. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy replies, "Not if I'm going have to explain it three times."
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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan Fan all of my life!" "I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
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Q - What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A - An Ohio product -
Question: What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes? Answer: Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
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A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with another Michigan graduate. "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise," the first grad says. "They didn't last year," the second one replies.
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Q - What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A - Lloyd Carr -
There was an Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State fan in Iran. They got captured, and were going to be punished by the ruler. "I will give you all one wish before you get your 20 whips". The Penn State fan was first. "I wish for a pillow on my back". The pillow was put on his back, but it ripped after 10 whips. Next was the Michigan fan "I wish I had two pillows on my back." The pillows lasted through 15 whips. Next was the Ohio State fan. "Since you worship the best team, I will give you two wishes". "I wish I had 40 whips." "Why would you want to do that". "My second wish is that I have the Michigan fan put on my back."
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Q - How many batteries does it take to shock a Michigan fan?
A - 1 AA